So I'm genderfuid. It feels a little strange to just state it like that. I've never really done that before.
I've talked about it a little bit on Twitter and to my fiance, but sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes I feel like a man. I know this is nothing new. I've talked to other genderfluid people and read accounts from others. In fact, it's been those encounters that have helped me understand my own genderfluidity.
A lot of people talk about it like it's a daily thing. Sometimes they wake up a guy and sometimes they wake up a woman. I don't really experience that rapid of a shift, personally. My feelings tend to last weeks, months. For a long time when I was a teen, I felt like a man for so long I thought I might be trans. We're talking a solid two and a half years here. Then over a period of weeks I started to feel like a woman again and that just threw me into a tailspin.
Currently I've been feeling like a man. It's such a subtle feeling, too, but inevitably very real.
I'd also like to talk about expression. A lot of genderfluid people I've talked will, logically, externally express the gender that they feel like that day or week. I don't really do this. If anything, I end up wanting to express the opposite gender that I feel. So when I feel like a woman, I tend to dress up in men's cut pants or basketball shorts and T-shirts and wear my hair in a simple ponytail and roll with it. When I feel like a man, however, I find myself wanting to dress to excentuate my body more (you could say I have an undeniably feminine figure), do my hair in different ways that read as feminine, etc. It's weird to me, since it's not logical. But that might just be my contrary nature.
I've spent a long time trying to understand why I feel this way and if there's any patterns. I get Seasonal Affective Disorder, and this year has been particularly rough, but my genderfluidity doesn't seem to correspond with it at all. It doesn't seem to be influenced by the people I'm around (although I do become more timid about expression around certain people, I never FEEL any different).
I don't know why I feel this way, and I've gotten to a place where I realize it's not a bad thing by any means. There's people like me out there, and i can talk to them and come to an understanding of myself and others. But I've always felt like this, ever since I was a child. But as a child, it was more "This is me now, let's do it!" than "Wait, what am I, why am I."
So this is my current state regarding my gender.